You know you're Australian when...

1. You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.

2. You know that Burger King doesn't exist. It's Hungry Jacks.

3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it's even fake.

4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger.

5. You know that "stubbies" are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan" or "geezer" is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in "strife" and you're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.

5. You know that some people pronounce "Australia" like "Strayla" and that's ok.

6. You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere... no matter where you actually are.

7. You know that while we call our friends 'mates', we don't use terms like 'shiela' and 'shrimp on the barbie', contrary to popular belief.

8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

9. You know that if a man has sex with another man, he's a homosexual, and (until recently), a criminal in Tasmania

10. You resent people who succeed over others- everyone should do the same thing, so we all get a "fair go"; a kind of 'American-dream' in reverse. This is why we actively like not liking Americans.

11. You've seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriel's Wedding, The Castle, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even Wolf Creek.

12. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian... Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russle Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, ACDC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe...

13. One word: Skippy.

14. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just fucking rock.

15. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases (remote Aboriginal communities are a different matter)

16. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you don't count 1788).

17. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and fahrenheit will ever offer.

18. You drive on the left-hand side of the road.

19. If you're a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. 'Hit and runs' just aren't cricket. Because Aussies stick together.

20. You think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy.

21. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird 'fush-and-chups' accent, and for some bizzare reason, think that they invented pavlova. Bastards. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.

22. You know that you can't eat Fantails alone... Otherwise who will you play the 'Who am I...' game with when you're reading the wrapper?

23. You know that Sydney should be the capital because Canberra is a hole.

24. You know that Americans think we're all Steve Irwin clones. And crickey, they couldn't be more wrong.

25. You know that Lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.

26. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

27. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread... and actually grow to like it. You've also squeezed Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

28. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good ol' Johnny Howard

29. You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay isn't).

30. You have the ability to compress several words into one - ie 'g'day' and 'd'reckn?'. This allows more space for profanities.

31. You've ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

32. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.

33. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.

34. You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

35. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can't imagine your childhood without it.

36. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still don't know what "girt" means. And you're ok with that.

37. You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a tim tam.

38. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the 'one bounce, one hand' rule always applies.

39. You know that we are home to the just about all of the world's deadliest of animals. That's why if anybody messes with us we'll get some funnel webs on their arses.

40. You see people walking bare-foot on the footpath and don't scorn.... because you're doing it too.

41. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.

42. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.

43. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, "she'll be right, mate".

44. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of goon... but you can't remember.

45. You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

46. You've ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL

47. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.

48. You know how to 'slip, slop, slap' like it's nobody's business.

49. You've heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as 'un-Australian', and that's enough to make us sit down and shut up.

50. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alchohol. God bless the queen and her 4-day birthday.



And right now you feel bloody awesome.


Alexandra Argenti (Villanova)
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